When I was pregnant, and even after I had the baby, I would get information in drips and drabs. No one really laid it on-the-line. Well, I’m here to do just that. If you are pregnant, hopefully this will help. If you’ve been pregnant, hopefully you will agree.
Pregnancy
1. Hair Down There and Everywhere! – You WILL look more like your husband than a beautiful glowing flower (although the hair on your head will never look so good). Your mustache will get thick, your eyebrows unruly, your chin will be a beard. Your stomach will sprout hair like a Chia Pet. Happy trail? It’s more like a angry forest. It’s extremely attractive.
2. Discharging Your Weapon – The weapon being your vagina and the discharge being discharge. It’s not fun and it happens throughout the whole process. Not a lot and not everyday. The good thing is, it kinda smells sweet. Actually, you’ve probably never smelled so good and you never will again.
3. Burn Baby Burn – Avoid orange juice, buffalo wings, red sauce or anything that may cause acid reflex, especially in the later months. If you suddenly feel like your choking in the middle of the night, it’s not your spouse who’s final had enough of your complaints, it’s the acid working it’s way to your esophagus… and trying to kill you.
4. Brown is Beautiful – except when it’s your nipples and they used to be pink. However, this goes away AFTER the baby is born.
5. Over the Line – Sometimes you get a creepy brown line down the center or your belly and sometimes your belly button pops out. If you’re lucky, you get both. Just kidding, you’re not lucky.
Birth
6. Let it Flow – If your water breaks, don’t expect an explosion. It’s not like someone just pegged you with a water ballon, just to have it splatter everywhere. It’s more like a a gush and then a slow leak… until the baby decides to join the fun. Make sure to have a towel to sit on.
7. Here We Go! – Contractions feel like the worst cramps of your whole life. You’re not ready to push until you feel like you’re going to shit a rock. And then, when you do push, you need to push like your shitting a rock. Although epidurals don’t give you a nice buzz, they do take away the sting. Just do it, don’t be a hero.
8. I Love Grapes – You won’t love them when they’re hanging out of your ass. Hemorrhoids SUCK and you will most likely get them if you have a baby vaginally.
9. My Better Half – There’s really not a lot of excitement leading up to the birth. It’s actually a lot of sitting around and waiting until the little one shows up – which means that you will have a lot of time with your partner and that’s not always a good thing. At times, they will seem annoying and you will want to punch them. It’s totally normal.
10. Holy Shit! – Yes, you just shit on the table and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Aftermath
11. Hi, There! – Baby is born and you’re like WTF? They throw the baby, all gross with blood and God knows what, on top you. It’s an awkward angle and you can’t see anything. It’s kinda annoying.
12. The River Runs Through it – Great movie with Brad Pitt, but not so great to have your river running none stop. You will bleed up to 6 weeks after. Not cool to wear a pad again. You feel like you’re 12 but not in a good way.
13. EnGorgeous – Your boobs will never look as good as they do right after you have the baby and they will never look that good EVER again. They hurt, your nipples will drip and they weigh 100 tons… but no pain, no gain.
14. Wait, I’m sorry. What’s Your Name Again – Your baby is beautiful, sweet, angelic but you have no idea who it is or what it wants. Don’t worry, you will figure it out soon enough.
15. Where Does the Time Go – One day you will wake up and realize your infants are toddlers, your toddlers are kids, your kids are teens and your teens are adults. The WORST part about pregnancy is that it goes way to fast, so enjoy every second.
