We ALL have our opinions and judge based on those opinions. Take motherhood for example. I, a mother of two, think mothers with one child have it easier than me. Mothers who have three kids think two is easier… and so on and so forth. I secretly (or not so secretly) roll my eyes when I hear my friend talk about how difficult having one child is. Seriously? I want to be like, “You’re kidding, right? You aren’t being pulled in two different directions!”

It’s like Olympic Diving. We judge based on the level of difficulty. Your score is higher the more stuff you do. Look, if your friend jumped into a pool and said “How was that?”  you’d think “how was what? all you did was jump into a pool!” But if you’re friend backed flipped into a pool, holding two kids, you’d be super impressed.

So, we basically judge each other and how difficult our lives are, based on the number of kids we have. It’s called Mommy Hierarchy. I’m better than you because I have more shit – sometimes literally – do to deal with. Is it right? No! Does it exist? Yes!

Look, I’m guilty of it too. I dole out advice like I’m Dr. Sears. I tell friends about pregnancy, teething, feeding, sleep schedules. What the hell do I know? I have two kids under 3 and it’s too early to tell how badly I’ve screwed them up to REALLY judge my parenting skills. I’m certainly no one to be giving advice but I THINK I can because of my mommy status: Mother of Two.

Does having two kids make me a better mom? No. A crazy mom? Probably. If you think about it honestly though – one kid, two or 19 – you can’t take a shower or talk on the phone without being interrupted. Can’t run to the movies, jump in your car or stay out all night.

Having said all that – Do I judge you based on your kid quantity? Honestly – Yes, but I judge you on a lot of things. Don’t take it personal.

Pregnancy

1. Hair Down There and Everywhere! – You WILL look more like your husband than a beautiful glowing flower (although the hair on your head will never look so good). Your mustache will get thick, your eyebrows unruly, your chin will be a beard. Your stomach will sprout hair like a Chia Pet. Happy trail? It’s more like a angry forest. It’s extremely attractive.

2. Discharging Your Weapon – The weapon being your vagina and the discharge being discharge. It’s not fun and it happens throughout the whole process. Not a lot and not everyday. The good thing is, it kinda smells sweet. Actually, you’ve probably never smelled so good and you never will again.

3. Burn Baby Burn – Avoid orange juice, buffalo wings, red sauce or anything that may cause acid reflex, especially in the later months. If you suddenly feel like your choking in the middle of the night, it’s not your spouse who’s final had enough of your complaints, it’s the acid working it’s way to your esophagus… and trying to kill you.

4. Brown is Beautiful – except when it’s your nipples and they used to be pink. However, this goes away AFTER the baby is born.

5. Over the Line – Sometimes you get a creepy brown line down the center or your belly and sometimes your belly button pops out. If you’re lucky, you get both. Just kidding, you’re not lucky.

Birth

6. Let it Flow – If your water breaks, don’t expect an explosion. It’s not like someone just pegged you with a water ballon, just to have it splatter everywhere. It’s more like a a gush and then a slow leak… until the baby decides to join the fun. Make sure to have a towel to sit on.

7. Here We Go! – Contractions feel like the worst cramps of your whole life. You’re not ready to push until you feel like you’re going to shit a rock. And then, when you do push, you need to push like your shitting a rock. Although epidurals don’t give you a nice buzz, they do take away the sting. Just do it, don’t be a hero.

8. I Love Grapes – You won’t love them when they’re hanging out of your ass. Hemorrhoids SUCK and you will most likely get them if you have a baby vaginally.

9. My Better Half – There’s really not a lot of excitement leading up to the birth. It’s actually a lot of sitting around and waiting until the little one shows up – which means that you will have a lot of time with your partner and that’s not always a good thing. At times, they will seem annoying and you will want to punch them. It’s totally normal.

10. Holy Shit! – Yes, you just shit on the table and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Aftermath

11. Hi, There! – Baby is born and you’re like WTF? They throw the baby, all gross with blood and God knows what, on top you. It’s an awkward angle and you can’t see anything. It’s kinda annoying.

12. The River Runs Through it – Great movie with Brad Pitt, but not so great to have your river running none stop. You will bleed up to 6 weeks after. Not cool to wear a pad again. You feel like you’re 12 but not in a good way.

13. EnGorgeous – Your boobs will never look as good as they do right after you have the baby and they will never look that good EVER again. They hurt, your nipples will drip and they weigh 100 tons… but no pain, no gain.

14. Wait, I’m sorry. What’s Your Name Again – Your baby is beautiful, sweet, angelic but you have no idea who it is or what it wants. Don’t worry, you will figure it out soon enough.

15. Where Does the Time Go – One day you will wake up and realize your infants are toddlers, your toddlers are kids, your kids are teens and your teens are adults. The WORST part about pregnancy is that it goes way to fast, so enjoy every second.

Making decisions for your child is difficult. I find that heat regulations are my biggest challenge. “Are you too hot? Too cold? Do you need a hat? Is the temperature in your room to warm?” I never know what I should do when it comes to their body heat. Especially when everyone walks into my house and makes a comment. “Wow, it’s boiling in here. The kids are sweating!” “OMG! It’s cold. Feel them! These kids are freezing.” It’s as if my day revolves around the numbers of my thermostat.

I also find food to be a constant quandary. Chicken fingers? Mac and Cheese? Pasta? My son’s palate is less than refined. But let’s face it, I’m a working mom and order out every night (tonight was Chinese). It has gotten to the point that when we pull into a restaurant parking lot, my son screams “OH!” in excitement and I sink down in my car seat in shame. I have to wonder what the waitresses thinks when we traipse in every week. I’m sure they’d love to dole out some advice, too. I’m just waiting for the waitress to say “you’re ordering that again? you really should try this, it’s so much better for your son.” She’d be echoing my sitter’s sentiments, who always tells me what they should and shouldn’t eat.

My new dilemma is pre-school. Who knew that in January, you’d need to sign your kid up for pre-school for September? I mean, really? We are not talking college or an elite boarding school. We are talking a 2 day a week, 2 hour a day class. I kinda wish when these moms were giving me advice about what foods I should feed my infant or what programs I should show my toddler, they would have clued me in on the nursery school stampede that I would be racing against. I’ve already heard from everyone and their mother their opinions. My 2 year old (who turns 3 next year) “doesn’t need school yet.” That I “need to do the morning program because the afternoon isn’t great for his schedule”. That I need to have my son “go to school with the kids that he will eventually go to elementary school with!”

So, off to look at nursery schools today. I’m taking everyones (unwanted) advice into account but my biggest worry is finding a school that expects the least out of me, the parent. What can I say? Anyway, I should probably go now. My friend just had a baby and I need to tell her to sterilize the binkie before she…. oops!

As I watch them play at age two and 6 months – I wonder which one it will be? Now, I’m hoping were talking about a slight learning difficulty like being a weak reader, or even a bad attitude. I can handle that (I think). I’m just hoping they dodge the shotgun sized bullet of ADD, OCD, and the slew of other conditions that are so long they need to be abbreviated.

Unfortunately, we have problems on both sides of the family. My husband’s side… a mess. My side, let’s just say I’m the normal one, which should give you a little bit of an indication as to what I’m dealing with.

So, which one will it be? I’m guessing my oldest only because he gets all the attention. His schedule as an infant was always on the dot. He’s also a bit stubborn (maybe it’s the terrible twos) and loves attention. He’s also going to be extremely handsome like his father and already tries to kiss every girl that he encounters. My 6 month old is literally happy all the time, to the point where I thought MAYBE there was something wrong with him. He’s also is on a very loose schedule, which makes him a little more laid back. He’s the one where I’m always saying “Wait one minute baby, I’ll be right there.”

So – which one of my kids is going to be totally fucked? Fingers crossed it’s neither but like I said – everyone’s crazy – so only time will tell.

Luckily, my husband and I have already come to an agreement as to who gets what. Assets – we have nothing, so that’s easy. The dog and cat are his. We will sell the house. I get the kids, which funny enough, he didn’t put up much of a fight. Hmmm? But they’re mine anyway. I carried them for 9 months, had to watch what I ate, stop drinking, my nipples turned dark down (now back to pink! YES!!), I now pee when I sneeze and a tampon doesn’t fit the way it used to. I also have 17 stretch marks to state my ownership. Who really can argue with that? I will tell this to the judge if it comes to that – how can he not rule in my favor? I’d say we’re in good shape.

The good thing is my husband and I have a great relationship and share the same interests, which helps. And, my sister just recently got a divorce. It’s funny that everyone always says to ME, “I’m sorry, that sucks”. Sorry? I’m not! If it’s true and half of all marriages end it divorce, she totally did me a favor and took one for the team.

So, if divorce is in my future I think I’m in good shape. Emotionally, not so much. I will probably lose my mind and my kids will be destroyed but I will have to deal with that if and when the time comes. I guess I will just have to start having to clean the house, do the laundry and stepping up my sex game. Or not, I’m willing to take my chances.

Anyway, back to my point. Although my kid can be a total jerk, I have come across a ton of kids that are worse than mine. There’s one kid that always steals my kid’s toy, tackles and punches him. I would love to sit that kid down and tell him a thing or two, even yell at his parents. Here’s the problem, his parents are close friends. UGH! What can I do?

Everyone has different parenting styles. Me? I’m the inconsistent yeller. You drew on the wall? fine. You bite your bother? please don’t do it again. You threw your food on the floor? No more dinner tonight. You smack my head? THAT’S IT! YOU’RE IN A TIME OUT! Sometimes I hear myself scream and I can’t believe it’s coming from me. I can remember my aunt being a screamer, like a crazy nut, and I secretly hoped she’d be committed. She wasn’t. But everyone is different. My one friend is a talker – whenever her kid does something bad – she calmly sits her child down and talks to him sweetly. My other friend is an ignorer – When her kids are out of control, she turns the other cheek. I have another who is a drill sergeant and won’t let her kids get away with ANYTHING.

So what to do when your friend’s kid, or anyones kid is a total jerk? You just sit back, bit your tongue and marvel at how you’re the best parent in the world and be happy that their kid is a bigger a**hole than yours.

I hate hearing my single friends talk about the mystery of their ‘singleness.’ I would love to shake them and say, “it’s because you’re a lunatic and men can smell it a mile away.” Most single people will say that I don’t know what it’s like to date, it’s been so long. This may be true and I do think that the new culture of texting has changed the whole courting process. (If cell phones were popular when I was dating my husband, I can assure you, we never would have spoken directly, ever.)

Regardless, text messages or smoke signals, craziness can’t be hidden. It comes out one way or another. I want to say to these ‘singles’, it’s not so much bad luck, it’s because you either keep picking losers, you’re high maintenance, too needy, too attached, or too sluty. For example, I have two friends who are pretty, successful, make good money, own their own homes, drive nice cars… sound great, right? Well, they’re single! What’s wrong with them you ask? EXACTLY!

So please, if you’re single, please self reflect and think about what it is that makes you undesirable to the opposite sex. If you can’t find anything, you’re not looking hard enough.

I know, I know. You breastfed and totally think it’s everyone’s personal choice, you don’t judge but it was right for you, healthy for the baby and you lost the baby weight. Awesome for you but you LIE! You judge. Somewhere deep down inside, you think I’m selfish. Well, you’re right. I am. I didn’t want to be tied down. I know, I could pump but I didn’t. I’m lazy, plus I wanted to drink. I know it’s better for the baby, healthier. I know I could do it for a month, but I didn’t. I know I could have ‘pumped and dumped’ if and when I wanted to have a drink but whatever!

My kids are healthy, happy and crazy. Would breastfeeding have helped that? It’s genetics, baby. I got some crazies on both sides, so my kids were going to be screwed either way (not that breastmilk has anything to do with mental health – but wanted to throw that in). And to be honest, with all the experimental drugs I did in college, I don’t think I want my kids consuming anything that my body has produced. So breastfeeders, get off your high horse and don’t secretly judge me. You can tell me to my face that I’m a bad mother and I will tell you to your face that you freak me out!

And for the extreme breastfeeder that will whip their tits out in public, please put your boobs away. I don’t know where I should be looking, for some reason, I can’t keep my eyes off your chest, it’s like a magnet and that REALLY freaks me out.

Remember those days of the first time encounters? Exciting! There’s nothing like ‘strange’. Sometimes it’s surprisingly awesome, sometimes you can’t get out of there fast enough! I can remember a time in college when I went home with a hot guy, just to make an old boyfriend jealous. My intention was to do a bit of kissing and maybe some heavy petting, but that was IT! Really, I just wanted to piss off my boyfriend that dumped me without me even knowing it. Long story somewhat short, I was still in college and my boyfriend lived states away at home (he had recently graduated). I realized the relationship was over when I saw him one night, at a bar, with another girl. WTF? I thought he was at home, 7 hours away. Ouch! So… I got pissed, grabbed the first hot ass I saw and left.

Needless to say, I regretted the decision as soon as I got to this guy’s apartment, kissed him and realized he was wearing velcro clothes. It’s the only explanation for how fast he was naked after that kiss. Who does that??? I had no choice but to fake pass out. UGH! Couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

As fun as those crazy times were, sexcapades are better now. True, they might be few and far between – don’t judge, I have 2 kids under 2 – but they’re pretty darn good.

I have a single friend that brags all the time about how great she is in bed. I hear about all the wild and crazy things she’s done. I kinda want to be like really? Try being with the same person for a decade, there is NOTHING you don’t do! So fine, she might be getting all the strange she wants and having crazy encounters but let me tell you, I have done everything she’s done, twice over and I know I’m better at it. Practice makes perfect.